A ladymag interviews a shark for Shark Week by Molly Kottemann.

Ladymag: So, how did you feel about Shark Week?

Shark: Honestly, I think it was kind of bullshit. Every week should be Shark Week. We were here first, you know?

LM: That is unfair. Speaking of which, how do you feel about being one of the oldest vertebrate species on the planet?

S: I prefer “most classic“ species. We’re like the Chanel suit of cartilaginous fishes.

LM: Aah, Chanel! I take it you like fashion.

S: I mean, I like it, there’s just not a lot of time to think about it, between the hunting, and the killing, and the cruising. It’s not like “oh, what row of teeth am I going to wear today?” or anything.

LM: What is your major beauty concern, then?

S: Body image. There are definitely times when I think, god, I look like such a whale shark today.  For the most part, though, I just eat a lot of lean meat, stay on top of my exercise.  It helps when you have to keep swimming or else die.

LM: I’m sure!  Maybe you can market that.

S: Yeah, the Shark Diet! Sharks Don’t Get Fat.  Skinny … Shark? I don’t know.

LM: Is there any pressure on you to measure up to shark role models?

S: Definitely the megalodon. Everyone’s all, “it had such massive jaws, it was fifty feet long, blah blah blah.”  You start to feel bad about yourself. It’s a “my bite force is so pathetic, why am I even alive?” kind of a thing.

LM: How do you cope with that?

S: Usually, I eat too many seals and then swim near some surfers until I start to feel scary again.

LM: Sounds therapeutic.

S: Oh, it really is. I love the sound of “Aahhh! Fuck! Get out of the water!” It’s like you guys with Enya or whatever.

LM: What about dating? What’s that like?

S: Parallel swimming, fin biting, nothing too complicated.  Male sharks aren’t big on romance. But they do have two dicks, so there’s that.

LM: Really? Weird. Okay, let’s finish with an easy one. What’s your favorite movie? I bet it’s Jaws. It’s Jaws, right?

S: Ugh, everyone always thinks that. Actually, it’s Pride and Prejudice.

LM: Good to know!  Thank you, shark, and hopefully we’ll see you next year.

S: Not if I see you first! Like, in the water. Aaahh!

Molly Kottemann is a scientist who lives and writes in Brooklyn. She knows that shark dicks are actually called “claspers”.

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