A Tale of Why We Are So Fucked—As a Species by Lisa Douglass.

Before the Baby Salty Jesus birthed us and we became our non-human selves—it is written that we had once been human. We were real live human beings that liked to kiss and tell and do the Holiest of the holies in front of the video. But that was before the spider incident which later conflates into the Satan incident, which follows:

Once upon a time, in the middle of winter, one winter when we were really fucking cold in our beds and wearing our see-through hot pink number without panties, somebody came to visit us in our rooms. It was the first night after the brand new white sheets and the first night of the spider who stared at us with his beady eyes on our bedspread—wherein we went—what the fuck?—why is that spider’s legs spread out like he is about to run the 100 yard dash and why do I feel like he is conscious and wants to talk to me about something quite important?

We were all ears.

On this night of the spider, we looked again and there was a man, this man was Satan.

Remember: Before this happened—We had known how to love one another without fear and we had understood that one text does not make or break any relationship of value and we had been unafraid to do what we liked because there was no fear to do the Happy.

But, what happened was we wanted to be cool, more than we wanted our hearts deepest desires and Satan knew that on some level when he came to us in the nighttime while we were fast asleep in our angelic poses in our beds without wrappers or crumbs but still in a cute outfit. On that night that Satan came, we opened up our beautiful orphan eyes and said to the Bad son of God because he was more competitive than Jesus and corrupted souls through deviant means:
“hi.”
Satan the Lord of Darkness had a little contract with him and he was charming and good looking.
and Satan goes: “hi.”
We felt our wholeness right then and there. We were no longer ordinary—we were visited by Satan and that fed our enormous but undeservedly so’s ego.
It was terrifying how like a human Satan seemed and how handsome and how we hoped he would text us the next day. (We smoothed our hair in the face of it).
But we weren’t scared of new things at that point, we were still innocent with pure hearts.
What Satan said was hey, you seem cool and I’ve been watching how everyone else kind of looks to you as the model of cool and how you have a hard time with commitment and significant others, so I was thinking you might want to join a club:
The Club of Not Feeling or Caring and Impure Hearts but Look Cooler Than Everyone Else Club.
We thought we might.
He made it sound so fancy.
So, Satan the Lord of Darkness made us sign a commitment to not feeling human emotions at the expense of our inbred coolness. So, we were like: “OK, what do we have to lose anyway, we are always trying to avoid feelings and stuff by eating too much or too little or buying shoes and obsessing on how to wear our hair in order to be neat and different.” But, really we just said, “OK.”
Because we want to be considered cool and like we aren’t over-thinking this shit.
And we signed.
The contract basically said, anyone who loves you from here on our will be seen as the enemy and Lo and Behold it motherfucking was.
After that our hearts were closed off. God and the Baby Salty Jesus were disturbed and kept sending us people who wanted to love us, but we only saw them as suspects in a larger scheme of our newfound paranoia of all things cute and adorable and we read into everything with the one thought: What can this person possibly want from me? Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear Fear I’m Scared, Etc.
Only to be cured with copious amounts of anonymous sex and vast amounts of designer shoes for the girls or car stuff for the boys.
And that is how we became non-human and unable to love.
Please send $200 to Lisa Douglass at her PO Box
PO BOX 48342
Los Angeles, CA 90048
For this most important fact that is unchangeable and why we are all so fucked.
The end.

Lisa Douglass spent her summer watching a stalker through her window and wondered if she could go outside via the roof. Only, whenever she tried there were sheets of chocolate lining the stairs and it seemed so messy. Lisa became tired and unclean. She hoped the stalker was eating well and that he had a change of clothes, adult diapers and all. Lisa Douglass was trapped, and that meant eating copious amounts of Nutella and sleeping all day under her makeshift indoor rain device. Sometimes she had visitors and they got wet, but no one knows what she did with them after. Just that during the visitations they learned to talk in baby dinosaur language and how to fashion a trap for a medium sized human being.

THE WEEK/WEEKEND: Dec 13th-?????!!!

Just a reminder, The 22 will be on vacation from Dec 19th-29th. Weekly listings will return around Jan 1st, and submissions are due for the collage volume by Jan 30th, (though we highly recommend getting them in during these 2 weeks.) Have a safe and Happy Holipocalypse!

The Bark and Scream Series: Eli Keszler: Percussion and Ashley Paul: Alto Sax
THE FIREHOUSE SPACE
December 13, 2012 8:00 pm

Where (we) Live
BAM
Paula Greif, ceramics (Dec 19)
Marsha Trattner, blacksmith (Dec 20)
Riccardo Vecchio, painter (Dec 21)
Victoria Valencia, woodworker/furniture-maker (Dec 22)

Masters at crafting alluring sonic landscapes from the most unlikely found objects, Brooklyn-based quartet Sō Percussion explores the idea of home with a bold experiment in collaborative art-making. Directed by three-time Obie Award winner Ain Gordon (Spalding Gray: Stories Left to Tell), Where (we) Live invites artistic colleagues working in different mediums to participate as both co-collaborator and muse in Sō’s creative process and performance: Grey Mcmurray (itsnotyouitsme, Knights on Earth) writes poignant, personal songs; Martin Schmidt’s videos show the quirky and unnoticed beauty in our homes; and Emily Johnson delivers secret instructions to the performers onstage. Each evening will also feature a special guest artist (listed below). To these and other contributions, Sō adds an astounding range of composed and improvised sounds, inspired by the physical and symbolic places we live.

JOHN HODGMAN: THAT IS ALL
Friday, Dec 21, 2012
The Bell House

Not even John Hodgman, the Daily Show’s resident expert, knows for sure. But he is keeping John Cusack prisoner in his home, just in case. And on December 21, he will perform what is likely to be the last night of comedy entertainment ever.

detail
Letha Wilson

Higher Pictures
Thursday, December 13, 6 – 8 pm

Higher Pictures presents the first solo exhibition by Letha Wilson. Wilson uses photography as a material medium combining photographic images of nature, prints, paint, concrete and wood in a dimensional manner to examine the made world.My artwork uses images I have photographed in the natural landscape as a starting point for interpretation and confrontation. The work creates relationships between architecture and nature, the gallery space and the American wilderness. In the photo-based sculptures the ability for a photograph to transport the viewer is both called upon, and questioned; sculptural intervention attempts to compensate for the photographʼs failure to encompass the physical site it represents. Landscape photography as a genre is approached with equal parts reverence and skepticism.

 

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The Where, The Why, and The How: 75 Artists Illustrate Wondrous Mysteries of Science.

A rather beautiful art object (and read) from Chronicle books, The Where, Why and How: 75 Artists Illustrate Wondrous Mysteries of Science  brings together 75 artists with 75 academics and scientists to contribute short synopses of the mysteries of science including things like, “Are there more than 3 dimensions?” “Why don’t animals atrophy during hibernation?” “Do rogue waves exist?” and more socially prevalent questions like “What Causes Autism?” and “Is Sexual Orientation Innate?”  Each image is paired with an illustration or artwork by professional and emerging artists. Though not much variety in artistic styles, the penchant towards illustration was interesting and the design itself, done by ALSO (the designers of  The Exquisite Book and Drawn In) is truly impressive. Some of the standout pieces include John Hendrix, Lauren Nassef, Ben Finer, Dave Zackin, and Edie Fake.

Check out some photos below and pick up a copy HERE.

THE WEEK/WEEKEND: October 11-17.

LISA 2012 from Blind Escrow Productions on Vimeo.

LISA Conference 2012
Peter B Lewis Theater: The Guggenheim Museum

Tuesday, October 16, 2012 from 8:00 AM to 11:45 PM

LISA 2012 is the Leaders in Software and Art conference at the Guggenheim in New York City, Tuesday October 16th, 2012.  We’ll have keynote speeches from Laurie Anderson, pioneering electronic artist, and Scott Snibbe, creator of Bjork’s Biophilia App, and panels on crowdsourced and social media art and the popular generative art toolkits openFrameworks, Processing, Cinder and Max/MSP. If you work with or care about new media, technology and interactive art, there’s still time to buy a ticket. Come meet and get inspired by some of the top artists and art experts in the field.

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THE WEEKEND: May 4-6.

EDITOR’S PICKS:

The Birth of Public Speaking
http://thesupercoda.com/
05/05/2012-05/05/2012
7pm-

The Super Coda and Jason Anthony Harris team up to present a night of decadence, delirium, featuring artists from DC, also to celebrate Jason’s birthday! Performances by Public Speaking, Valerie Kuehne, Jon Mizrachi, Dead Beat Dad, Blue Sausage Infant (DC), Pilesar (DC).

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THE WEEK: APRIL 30-MAY 4.

 EDITOR’S PICKS: 

FULL LIST OF ALL MAY DAY EVENTS HERE.

May Day 2012
http://www.maydaynyc.org/
05/01/2012-05/01/2012

We will celebrate a holiday for the 99%. We will come together across lines of race, class, gender, and religion and challenge the systems that create these divisions among us. New Yorkers will join with millions throughout the world — workers, students, immigrants, professionals, houseworkers — We will take to the streets to unite in a General Strike against a system which does not work for us. With our collective power we will begin to build the world we want to see. Another world is possible!

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The Literary Debutante Ball.

The Literary Debutante Ball: April 29, 2011

A Celebration of Emerging Writers

When: Friday, April 29, 2011, 7pm – 11pm
Where: The Invisible Dog Art Center
51 Bergen St. (between Smith St. & Court St.)
Brooklyn, NY 11201

The Literary Debutante Ball is a benefit that celebrates One Story magazine, the publication of our debutantes, and honors one writer who has been an exceptional mentor to others. The ball will feature specialty cocktails, music, dancing, and a silent art auction.

The highlight of the benefit will be the formal “presentation” of One Story authors who have published their debut books in the past year:

Robin Black, If I Loved You I Would Tell You This (Random House)
Susanna Daniel, Stiltsville (HarperCollins)
Seth Fried, The Great Frustration (Soft Skull Press)
Jerry Gabriel, Drowned Boy (Sarabande Books)
Jim Hanas, Why They Cried (ECW Press)

Each writer will be escorted by an established author and/or editor who has been a mentor to them. This year, One Story will also honor the novelist and memoirist Dani Shapiro, for her years of extraordinary support of emerging writers.

All proceeds will benefit One Story, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization, and aid it in its mission to support the art form of the short story and the authors who write them. Tickets for the ball start at $50 each. Higher level individual, corporate, and in-kind sponsorships are available and most welcome. For complete details and benefits of donating to One Story, contact Maribeth Batcha at maribeth@one-story.com. No one under 21 years old will be admitted.

Benefit Committee:
T Cooper | Jamie Lee Curtis | Mark Hage | Amy Hempel
A.M. Homes | Virginia Lawrence | Andrew McCarthy & Dolores Rice | Paul Morris
Leigh Newman | Maud Newton | George Saunders | Jim & Karen Shepard